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Be blue better: Dylan Brody's 'Modern Depression Guidebook'

Is he blue?
Is he blue?
Courtesy Dylan Brody

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Commentator Dylan Brody, a Paxil user himself, has just released an e-book called The Modern Depression Guidebook, with much more advice on getting the most out of melancholy.

There’s something my third-grade teacher told me about homework that my wife recently repeated to me in bed. If you have to do something anyway, you might as well give it your best effort. That’s why I wrote The Modern Depression Guidebook.

Like millions of other Americans I sometimes get depressed. My mood can swing like Diana Krall on a three-martini lunch.

Sure, Scientologists might believe that what depressed people need is a punch in the arm and a hearty, “cheer the hell up,” but you and I know that’s utter nonsense. You don’t need cheering up, lip-stiffeners, medication, meditation or herbal tea, dietary advice, exercise, therapy or self-help books. You need to be left alone to watch reruns of Criminal Minds and wallow.

You don’t want advice on how to be less depressed because in depression you have at last found something you are good at.

But are you good enough at it? Of course not. Nobody in a depression ever said, “I’m good enough.” Well, I think it’s time to improve your skills. I’m here to help you make this your best depression yet with a new game Self Loathing for Idiots. This game will surely help you on your way to your deepest possible lows and you can play it alone inside your home, so you don’t even have to take a shower and change out of your bathrobe.

Here’s how it works. Look around you until something, anything catches your eye. Now, see how few thought connections you have to make to get to your current mantra of self-degradation. It’s like Six Degrees of Kurt Cobain. For example, from where I sit right now I can see that one of my bookshelves needs a minor repair.

1. That’s an easy fix.
2. I’ve been aware of this problem for some time now.
3. Why am I so lazy?
4. I hate myself!

Just four steps! Once you start playing, you can’t stop. It’s fun, easy and you can do it while carrying on other activities; not that they’ll be productive or worthwhile activities like doing the dishes or changing out of your bathrobe. Practice until it becomes second nature and pretty soon you’ll have your mood spiraling downward like Stephen Hawking at the Guggenheim.

Before I go, here are two other quick tips for increasing your self-loathing and deepening your depression and these two are incredibly easy and take almost no time at all.

First of all, think about the things you have done in your life of which you are most proud. Now think about what your parents would say about those things being your greatest accomplishments. Now, don’t you feel crappy?

Second, for a double dose of downer, compare your accomplishments to date with what you once imagined your accomplishments would be at this point in your life.

Now you’re doing depression right!

If you have to do something anyway, you might as well give it your best effort!